when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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