3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
