I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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