Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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