I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
