started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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