so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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