I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
