I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
