just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
