Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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