I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
