cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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