My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
