I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
