Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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