I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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