I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
