I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
