OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
