We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He felt like a one man threesome
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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