my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
