Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
