you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
