I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
