Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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