He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
