Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
