I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
