I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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