I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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