i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
