Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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