I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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