I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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