Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dick very happy bro
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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