he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
