She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I didn't notice because vodka
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
