it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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