Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
