You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
