Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
