Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
