someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
