I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
