Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
