I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
