I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize