There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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