Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How naked do you want me to be?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
