o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
