I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
