If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
