i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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