Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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