I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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