The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
