I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
