I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
