Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
