Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
